You will not believe the day I had today. I still don’t believe it.
This month has been a difficult month. And will continue to get worse. I’m trying to get used to the fact that the only men who matter will henceforth be available only on Skype.
And if I continue to live in India then may be not even on Skype considering India wants to ban Skype because we have security threats! Not through programs that help lovers stay in touch, you bozos! But again, no one is listening to me!
So I keep trying to come up with creative plans to deal with the weekend.
Saturday was a festival – the Kannadiga Brahmin equivalent of Rakhi. So the uncles (of the priests’ fame) had all come home and I helped my mother, as promised/negotiated, for half-an-hour in the kitchen, after which I continued to watch House M D. Which means I didn’t notice any new typical Kannadiga behaviour. My bad. But one fun thing was my mom asked my most-promising-as-an-astrologer-uncle if I would change jobs. She never asks about my marriage anymore because I’ve told her if she does, I’ll produce a baby through outrageous means so quick that the boy’s parents won’t even have the time to say, ‘What star is your daughter?’ So uncle asks me for time and I look at the non-digital clock and say 3.15. I can’t read non-digital clocks. Then he does ummm nama nama type of thing and says, ‘Yes, you will.’ But like a jackass I interrupt him and say, ‘Wait, I saw digital clock and time is actually 2.52.’ So he does the same ummm nama nama and tells me, ‘You will get a new job, but they will offer you a lot less than what you are making.’ So I say, ‘How you can talk such rubbish I’ll never understand’ and walk out of the room.
Oh! Epiphany! Okay so that explains why my mom was pissed with me the whole of yesterday. Epiphany! Epiphany! So anyway, later in the evening, family friend and her daughter came home and as I am very fond of both of them, I cancelled a drive to Hosur Road Coffee Day and looked bleary-eyed (too much House watching does that to you – I fancy I look a little like Hugh Laurie when I am bleary-eyed, but that’s just me) at the guests instead. They would not stop raving about the Lal Bagh Flower Show.
I looked at the calendar and it seemed I had a day more before I logged in to work and acted all tired and busy, so I told my parents – let’s do Lalbagh tomorrow. My mom promptly went and told the new-to-Bangalore and soon-to-be-mother neighbour of mine and her three-year old son, D, my new best friend in the locality, that they should try and come with us.
So we all piled in their car and drove to Lal Bagh today.
I will be honest. I woke up full of shiny, happy feelings and decided this event would change my life and consequently my weekend. Yes, now I see the error of my ways – it’s putting too much pressure on flowers!
But there we were and part of a crowd already at 8 a.m. And we got into the Glass House and saw the rosy India Gate. Everyone was jostling each other with cameras to take the best shot possible of the best flowers ever. No one really looked at the flowers, self included. The idea seemed to be that if you capture it on camera minus yellow duppatta-wearing woman’s hair in the back-ground, you could keep looking at the flowers for the rest of your life. Hell, you could even design yourself one of those tacky wall-papers. Not the computer ones. I mean the real ones.
There were some heliotropes, and that cockscomb which with my exposure to House M D the past few weeks reminded me too much of body parts so I really couldn’t gush. A little ahead there were petunias and just when I was trying to get the purple ones into the frame – in burst an Ooper Bharath in multi-sequined salwar screaming – isse dekho kitne cute hein, na? – look at these, they are so cute, no? – and there, that was the end of my petunia wall paper.
Anthuriums, and some plastic flowers later (and you won’t catch me taking pictures of either) we walked a little ahead wondering what we’ll see next when we realised that we were out of the Glass House. And the flower show. It was over. Nothing remained in the flower show! It was all over! Yes, that’s what is shocking, that’s all it was! It was over. The flower show was over!
And while we all sat on a stone seat barely masking our disappointment, helpful police uncle came over and asked us – did you see the show? We were like – hohum, yes, of course. He was on a double dose of endorpins – he said then go straight and see the clock!
So we went straight to get a look at the clock! The clock turned out to be a statue of a man which also told time! No, I made it sound too hep. Man on horse, clock on man. There you have it. That’s all it was. Yes, that’s mot juste! Like what the! I’d had enough! I said, ‘Let’s go buy jacaranda and get home.’ But my neighbour’s husband had a better idea. He said ‘Let’s get this disappointment off our system by having a nice lunch.’
So we went for lunch to Koramangala, but pregnant lady was disappointed – this wasn’t the park day she had planned. It was getting over too soon. And my mom who is a ridiculous soft touch with everyone except me said, ‘Let’s come back here after lunch.’ But during lunch, sense prevailed and everyone looked too tired and satiated to go back to Lal Bagh. I was mentally planning how many episodes of House M D I could watch and how long I’d nap and it was a perfect plan in my head, when my mom who will henceforth be called villain-of-this-piece or VOTP for short said, ‘Let’s go to Cubbon Park. That’s also a park and D can also play there.’
So we actually also went to Cubbon Park and did the train ride (don’t look to your left unless the view of garbage stimulates you) otherwise it’s actually quite cool. They should have toy-trains like that everywhere. It would be perfect to have one from my house to my French class. But no, such brilliance is always frowned upon. Or they copy my plan and call it Metro and think they can fool me! Yea right!
And it was a really good thing we were at Cubbon Park because that’s where I learnt pregnant neighbour S had never as a child been to a park/or played on slides and swings/taken toy train rides! Imagine that! And so then VOTP gave me this meaningful look and told me to go watch over D.
So that’s when I got into the fun of things and started playing with D as he took turns on the slide and the swing. And finally when it looked like rain, I told you, in BLondon (that’s what I’ll call Bangalore from now on) it never rains but pours, the revellers and VOTP decided it was time we returned home.
But I did do things for myself today – I bought myself a purple balloon and a raspberry dolly.
I also realised I’ll make a terrible mom because disciplining kids doesn’t sound to me half as fun as winning the fight/game! But yea, who cares as long as the kids learn to make me tea and generally look after me!
So that in turn made me accept that my mental age is the same as three-year old D because we had the most fun fighting over whose balloon was better! Like he even had a chance! His was orange for Chrissake and it made less noise than mine!
And it is possible that my raspberry dolly eating could have inadvertently taught young D to give a man a great BJ (in case he does turn out to be gay when he is all growed up) because he kept imitating me while I was eating it. And I say this with such confidence because I had an audience of fathers of young kids looking at me hungrily. And I’m sure it wasn’t the raspberry dolly they craved. But hey, I had the purple balloon in my hand – they ought to have known how old I was – the dirty pedophiles!
So that was my very eventful day. I think I have regressed quite a lot. I’m wondering where exactly I am to get my head examined now! But may be not, I actually do feel happy right now. And how often have I said that!
And of course, what other song would fit so perfectly – in every way! 🙂