Ballbreaker

Out of the 14 years I spent dating/being in relationships with men in all of my 29 years, I have learnt some home-truths (gross generalisation) about men. So much so that every new man I meet (if not date) reaffirms my decision to stay single and therefore happy. And each new man brings down my respect for ‘manhood’ by at least a couple of notches. It’s not to say women are angels or anything of the sort. It’s not to begin a gender debate at all.

It’s just to vent out some of the frustration I am going through because of the sub-standard men I have met in life.

And it is to convince a few important people in my life why my Plan B is so excellent and why no man in this lifetime can replace a few important folk in my life. So there.

Now that we’ve got that cleared, here’s my 29 when 29.

  1. Men never grow up.
  2. Men never want to take up any sort of responsibility.
  3. The right men are always commitment phobic.
  4. The wrong ones are usually irresistible.
  5. All men have one focal woman in their lives usually an overbearing mother/sister/aunt/sister-in-law/daughter (besides the girlfriend/wife) whom they will always kowtow to.
  6. And that’s the woman who will always hate you/resent you/and tell you that you are not good for him. Or play daily soap with you.
  7. Men talk about being different, unique, and independent but at the end of the day they always want to go back to mama’s home-cooked meal, and papa’s pension plans.
  8. Men live from one self-induced crisis to another.
  9. Men are unbearable to live with when they fall in love with you.
  10. Men are suddenly unavailable to date when you fall in love with them.
  11. You would think no man would say no to ‘just sex, no strings attached’ but you will be horrified with the truth and learn one more of life’s little lessons.
  12. Every Indian man wants to marry before he turns 35 and get the maximum benefit from the swimmers he is so proud of.
  13. All straight men are size queens. The smaller the dick, the larger the ego. And you will be wailing god-help-me-from-all-his-insecurities to your girlfriends.
  14. All men want to do a rounded, voluptuous woman with boobs like Dolly Parton, but they will never marry her.
  15. Men are extremely childish and petty.
  16. Men gossip till kingdom come and live in denial.
  17. Men live in denial.
  18. Some men expect you to become their mother or Florence Nightingale just because they have a common cold.
  19. Some men walk around with a broken leg or arm and act like nothing is wrong because they are secretly scared of seeing a doctor.
  20. Men act like medicines won’t cure them but will-power will.
  21. Men have no will-power.
  22. Men lose weight faster than women because they don’t deal with the sort of hormones that we deal with and then think fat people ought to be annihilated or at least laughed out of existence.
  23. Men run scared if you mention the word ‘hormones’ or ‘moods’ (sometimes even if it is just the condom brand you are talking about).
  24. Men are boring especially when all they talk about is sports/rock bands/politics/work/new technologies. ‘And no, really darling, I don’t give a flying fuck what your golf handicap is!’
  25. Men lust after women they think are ‘hot and horny’ but they just lose respect for a woman who is bold and clear and vocal about her wants – in and out of bed.
  26. Men say they hate to be nagged, but secretly love it. And so they live in denial. (Oh, I’ve covered denial already.)
  27. Men think they can convert lesbians and gay men are aberrations in the natural order of the world.
  28. Nearly all men have no balls.
  29. And the most important realisation of all is what I learnt about myself through my interactions with all the men who have come and gone from my life – that I really am a ball-breaker.
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About Bhumika's Boudoir

I love to laugh, and end up being a part of high drama and stormy emotion even when I don't pursue it. Being creative, and communicating with people get me going. I enjoy all the good things in life especially those that are slightly risque, and apologise little, if ever, for all that I do. Literature is a passion and so is music.
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26 Responses to Ballbreaker

  1. Marvin Grey says:

    Yes. Cosmo quiz. I love Cosmo quiz.

    1. Men never grow up.
    A. True. I always turn around whenever someone calls me ‘uncle’.

    2. Men never want to take up any sort of responsibility.
    A. Not true. I wear a helmet and never drink and drive.

    3. The right men are always commitment phobic.
    A. Depends on the commitment.

    4. The wrong ones are usually irresistible.
    A. Only a couple found me irresistible (I think…). Does that mean I am/was the wrong one?

    5. All men have one focal woman in their lives usually an overbearing mother/sister/aunt/sister-in-law/daughter (besides the girlfriend/wife) whom they will always kowtow to.
    A. Have mother and sister. But who doesn’t?! Who doesn’t?

    6. And that’s the woman who will always hate you/resent you/and tell you that you are not good for him. Or play daily soap with you.
    A. This I have to see 🙂

    7. Men talk about being different, unique, and independent but at the end of the day they always want to go back to mama’s home-cooked meal, and papa’s pension plans.
    A. I hope I don’t become diabetic too early. And I love homecooked crabs.

    8. Men live from one self-induced crisis to another.
    A. I think it is getting too late to start hitting my books.

    9. Men are unbearable to live with when they fall in love with you.
    A. Not applicable.

    10. Men are suddenly unavailable to date when you fall in love with them.
    A. Certainly not applicable.

    11. You would think no man would say no to ‘just sex, no strings attached’ but you will be horrified with the truth and learn one more of life’s little lessons.
    A. Yes! You would be surprised at how horrified they get!!

    12. Every Indian man wants to marry before he turns 35 and get the maximum benefit from the swimmers he is so proud of.
    A. Too late. I am over the hill by a year. And honestly, I should learn to swim.

    13. All straight men are size queens. The smaller the dick, the larger the ego. And you will be wailing god-help-me-from-all-his-insecurities to your girlfriends.
    A. All my insecurities would fade if I were to reach a point in my life where I own a spanking SUV. Wait… a spanking new Tata Nano.

    14. All men want to do a rounded, voluptuous woman with boobs like Dolly Parton, but they will never marry her.
    A. With Dolly Parton, I think it was her southern accent.

    15. Men are extremely childish and petty.
    A. Yeah. But I have good reasons.

    16. Men gossip till kingdom come and live in denial.
    A. Hey, my neighbour was fighting with her boyfriend, the dogs were barking, her husband was away…. so I told a few people. That is NOT gossip. I was talking about how excitable the dogs got.

    17. Men live in denial.
    A. Not me.

    18. Some men expect you to become their mother or Florence Nightingale just because they have a common cold.
    A. No special treatment. I just need the TV remote.

    19. Some men walk around with a broken leg or arm and act like nothing is wrong because they are secretly scared of seeing a doctor.
    A. I am not checking with a doctor about the pain in my forearm because he may advice me to stop exercising for a week or more. That will be 4 months down the drain. Takes a lot of effort to start again.

    20. Men act like medicines won’t cure them but will-power will.
    A. I never leave home without crocin, eldoper and gelucile. One cough and I will visit the local clinic.

    21. Men have no will-power.
    A. I decided not to smoke and never started.

    22. Men lose weight faster than women because they don’t deal with the sort of hormones that we deal with and then think fat people ought to be annihilated or at least laughed out of existence.
    A. 2 kgs in 4 months. I must meet these other men.

    23. Men run scared if you mention the word ‘hormones’ or ‘moods’ (sometimes even if it is just the condom brand you are talking about).
    A. Hahahaha

    24. Men are boring especially when all they talk about is sports/rock bands/politics/work/new technologies. ‘And no, really darling, I don’t give a flying fuck what your golf handicap is!’
    A. Politics, work and a bit of new technologies. I wish there were a couple of mini golf places in Bangalore.

    25. Men lust after women they think are ‘hot and horny’ but they just lose respect for a woman who is bold and clear and vocal about her wants – in and out of bed.
    A. Honestly, I don’t know. I think Priyamani is ‘hot and horny’. I will wait for her to get vocal with me before I comment.

    26. Men say they hate to be nagged, but secretly love it. And so they live in denial. (Oh, I’ve covered denial already.)
    A. Hate it yes. Helps sometimes because I tend to forget what I was supposed to do. The ‘help’ is what I will deny.

    27. Men think they can convert lesbians and gay men are aberrations in the natural order of the world.
    A. Been the third wheel among straight couples and learnt enough not to bother with lesbians.

    28. Nearly all men have no balls.
    A. 100% of all men who have been kneed in the nuts would disagree with you.

    I counted 28 sutras.

    Like

  2. Marsha says:

    Brilliant! I love it! You’re a fabulous Ball Breaker!!

    Like

  3. Sanchita says:

    BB & MG: bloody amazing! The points & the responses by MG! BB darling, once again you & I are cut from the same cloth! Ball-breakers? Couldn’t have said it better! Maybe that’s why I haven’t said it!

    Like

  4. Mukta says:

    LMAO! I think you’ve pretty much covered it all. Just my bit to make it a nice, round (or voluptuous, if you will) figure:
    30. Men think that every woman who expresses a wee bit of interest in them are out to drag them to the alter, bound and gagged.

    Like

    • Mukta, that’s a great point. True. I told you every Indian man freaks out at the idea of ‘sex and no strings.’ They probably think we want to give them some STD or want to marry them and bear them children pronto. Or, and this is more likely, they will spend years agonising ‘Why me? Why did she choose me? Does she want to make fun of me to her friends later? Has someone told her that I have a small dick already? Why, oh why God, why me?’

      Like

  5. Manasee Jog says:

    wow. super-stuff, sweety 🙂

    Like

  6. Suresh says:

    enjoyed it!!!
    but would you do a similar story about women? i bet u can come with (29 * 29 ) issues

    Like

    • Thank you, Suresh. Why would I do a similar story about women – they’ve never frustrated me. May be I could do one on the phenomenon called the mom-in-law.
      But I can say nothing new that hasn’t already been said on ZeeTV or Colours on Indian television.

      Like

  7. You know who ;) says:

    Great stuff. I should read all your blogs. But at least you can pen down thoughts on the “normal” man. I cannot even wrap my head around the complexities and drama that is the modern gay man, leave along wrapping my arms around one 😉

    Like

    • Yes, darling, and welcome to the boudoir. Modern gay man. I could do a post on that. I love gay men. I am somewhat of a gay man myself. Most of the men I love are either gay, engaged, in a relationship or married to my friends. Two of them, thank god, are married to me. They are, all of them, absolute joys and beauties.

      I’ve also felt that gay men have it easy in the sense most gay men are open to just sexual relationships. And neither loses any respect for the other for thinking that way. That is so not the case when it comes to a man-woman relationship. I know there are fuck buddies. But I can bet you anything that the male fuck buddy does sneer at his partner.

      Like

  8. gopikann says:

    Story of mah life, sistah!
    Special sabash on 12!

    Like

    • Why have you become Ooper Bharath on me suddenly? But it’s okay, with Bhaiyya in our lives, I am an Ooper Bharath myself. Thank you, thank you.
      I told you, I will NEVER meet a man who has balls of steel. NEVER.

      Like

  9. gopikann says:

    On a (un)related vein, have you read Monica Ali’s “Brick Lane”?
    If not, please do so. I would love to hear your thoughts on that.
    I loved the book (But then again – I loved God of small things as well).

    Like

  10. I adore this! Every single point is so true – did we date the same men? One of your best posts ever! 🙂

    Like

  11. Pingback: Babe, I’m gonna leave you | Bhumika's Boudoir

  12. Terror #1 says:

    I love the post. But I have to say your just unlucky. No denial that a lot of us guys live in denial and over compensate but a lot of the points mentioned are about the pricks who give the rest of us a bad name.

    Although I do know a few of the afore mentioned blokes. I guess its too much bollywood and hollywood in all our lives. I also think the roles are just reversing without the sex changes. Girls r growing a pair and guys are losing theirs.

    But as mentioned before there are still a handful of us who don’t have the above mentioned issues. You can say I’m in denial but that’s for me to know and if u want you can find out.

    Like

    • I do want to find out. I can count the number of guys with balls with the fingers of one hand. In a way that’s good because I’m not too good at counting. But heck, I can’t be selfish. I have to think of the future of the world. So Terror #1, please would you like to make friendship with me and show me that there is a world where balls are something men have and be-have?

      And thank you.

      Like

  13. It would be lovely to find that world, unreal as it sounds. However, there’s one thing good about having known mostly ball-less scumbags – they make us stronger, wiser and more gutsy women who still live in hope. That’s not such a bad thing, no?

    Btw, Terror #1 is one of the few guys with the Bs that I can count on one hand – having known him from diaper days et al. Although that brings up one more point: a guy as a friend and a guy as a boyfriend can be two very different people.

    Like

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