Ballbreaker

Out of the 14 years I spent dating/being in relationships with men in all of my 29 years, I have learnt some home-truths (gross generalisation) about men. So much so that every new man I meet (if not date) reaffirms my decision to stay single and therefore happy. And each new man brings down my respect for ‘manhood’ by at least a couple of notches. It’s not to say women are angels or anything of the sort. It’s not to begin a gender debate at all.

It’s just to vent out some of the frustration I am going through because of the sub-standard men I have met in life.

And it is to convince a few important people in my life why my Plan B is so excellent and why no man in this lifetime can replace a few important folk in my life. So there.

Now that we’ve got that cleared, here’s my 29 when 29.

1. Men never grow up.
2. Men never want to take up any sort of responsibility.
3. The right men are always commitment phobic.
4. The wrong ones are usually irresistible.
5. All men have one focal woman in their lives usually an overbearing mother/sister/aunt/sister-in-law/daughter (besides the girlfriend/wife) whom they will always kowtow to.
6. And that’s the woman who will always hate you/resent you/and tell you that you are not good for him. Or play daily soap with you.
7. Men talk about being different, unique, and independent but at the end of the day they always want to go back to mama’s home-cooked meal, and papa’s pension plans.
8. Men live from one self-induced crisis to another.
9. Men are unbearable to live with when they fall in love with you.
10. Men are suddenly unavailable to date when you fall in love with them.
11. You would think no man would say no to ‘just sex, no strings attached’ but you will be horrified with the truth and learn one more of life’s little lessons.
12. Every Indian man wants to marry before he turns 35 and get the maximum benefit from the swimmers he is so proud of.
13. All straight men are size queens. The smaller the dick, the larger the ego. And you will be wailing god-help-me-from-all-his-insecurities to your girlfriends.
14. All men want to do a rounded, voluptuous woman with boobs like Dolly Parton, but they will never marry her.
15. Men are extremely childish and petty.
16. Men gossip till kingdom come and live in denial.
17. Men live in denial.
18. Some men expect you to become their mother or Florence Nightingale just because they have a common cold.
19. Some men walk around with a broken leg or arm and act like nothing is wrong because they are secretly scared of seeing a doctor.
20. Men act like medicines won’t cure them but will-power will.
21. Men have no will-power.
22. Men lose weight faster than women because they don’t deal with the sort of hormones that we deal with and then think fat people ought to be annihilated or at least laughed out of existence.
23. Men run scared if you mention the word ‘hormones’ or ‘moods’ (sometimes even if it is just the condom brand you are talking about).
24. Men are boring especially when all they talk about is sports/rock bands/politics/work/new technologies. ‘And no, really darling, I don’t give a flying fuck what your golf handicap is!’
25. Men lust after women they think are ‘hot and horny’ but they just lose respect for a woman who is bold and clear and vocal about her wants – in and out of bed.
26. Men say they hate to be nagged, but secretly love it. And so they live in denial. (Oh, I’ve covered denial already.)
27. Men think they can convert lesbians and gay men are aberrations in the natural order of the world.
28. Nearly all men have no balls.
29. And the most important realisation of all is what I learnt about myself through my interactions with all the men who have come and gone from my life – that I really am a ball-breaker.