Babe, I’m gonna leave you

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve been dumped more times than I’d like to remember. And I’ve seen all sorts of techniques men use when they want to. And I’ve seen the pain my girlfriends go through owing to break-ups in their lives. And yes, we discuss men in absolute detail sparing nothing. So now I have such a finely honed instinct that I can sense a break-up at least two days before it happens. Even if I am not in a relationship with the guy at that time.

So since we’ve all established that men are generally ball-less sub-intellects, I thought I’d write a guide on how they can dump a girl in a clean manner and with class. Actually make that just ‘in a clean manner’. You need to be born with class. It can’t be taught.

1. Do not date a woman whom you think you cannot snog or sleep with. This could be any woman who repulses you for whatever reason. Yes, we know that you have to make those notches on your bed post about the number of conquests you’ve had. But darling, there really is no need to show more women than absolutely necessary that you suffer from erectile dysfunction.
2. Do not heedlessly throw in words like ‘love’, ‘marriage’, ‘children’ on the second date. And no, do not talk about how you ‘will fight for the remote, do be warned, darling, once we get married/start living together’ either.
3. Of course, now you are wondering ‘then what the hell am I to talk about?!’. So here goes: limit all your conversations to the weather and the ambience of the restaurant. Talk about favourite cuisines, share stories about culinary disasters, talk about places you’ve travelled to and the lessons you have learned. Now we’ve already established to the girl that this is just a date/possible shag and that she is not to get her hopes up. See? Score already.
4. Since it’s still only the second date, your eyes should stay fixed on her face. Don’t play the ‘let-me-guess-her-bra-size-game’ in your own head. That’s when you look like a fish starved for water and then don’t blame the girl for taking advantage of you.
5. Now the next point is for those mythical men who do have balls. State at the outset what your intentions are – if you see her as just a shag, say so. You can say ‘we’ll start with that and see where it goes’, only if you think of that as a real possibility. And yes, most girls will be able to digest that without getting hysterical and weeping all over some hapless waiter.
6. If you can’t do the above and are looking for someone to marry, take it slow. Just because you are balding and your parents are dying without having seen their grandchildren is no reason for you to pressure the girl into marrying you on Date Number 3.
7. If you are looking for just a shag, then do get it over with quickly. And make a graceful exit. Brushing your teeth, taking a shower and putting on your clothes in the span of five minutes just after you have cum does not count as graceful even if it is quick. Nor is walking stealthily out while she is still asleep. And if it is your place, shoving her out the door with a pitiful excuse like you are expecting ‘XYZ’ to pop in now is not graceful either. Talk for a few minutes, tell her you will call. And leave. And don’t say, ‘thank you.’
8. Do call her. I can promise you she will not beg you to marry her just because you slept with her once. She probably didn’t like the sex too much either. Tell her you’ve thought about it and you can’t see yourself in a relationship. And that it is definitely your fault not hers. And wish her luck and all the good things. Say a few nice things about the sex (lie if you have to, you’ve certainly lied many times before). Praise her body and tell her that you will miss her. Sound apologetic because you can’t take it any further.
9. If you have been in a long-term relationship and you cannot commit to her because your mama or papa or sister won’t let you, then tell her that is the case. Don’t bullshit and don’t try to make her feel that it’s her fault because of her body type, her dressing sense, her family, her belief system, or that you think she cannot bear any children. And if you do this and then say you are sorry, your sorry has as much value as a used-up toilet paper.
10. And beg her to stay friends with you because you have had such nice times together and you don’t want her to feel bad or end this bitterly. But do tell her that you both need time and space apart for a few months. And take that time and space. And if you have been in a long relationship call her up after a year or so and talk about general things. Make a genuine effort to stay friends. And don’t talk about sex.
11. While breaking up (and I know this will come as a shock to most of you), it won’t kill you if you say that she really made you happy.
12. Do not break up over the phone.
13. Do not break up when she’s just lost her job, her best friend, her puppy or suffered any tragedy of great magnitude. Another few days of being in her life will not kill you. Or your family. Even a sub-intellect like you should know that.
14. And for the absolute cowards, my friend and fellow-blogger Basically Blah has a few tips that will make the girl dump you! Whadabreakman!
15. And finally, I will leave you with the best.