I’ll probably colour my hair red
And go to Germany
To bask in the love
of the people I adore
And then some.
But that’s too much pressure
for all of us.
It’s easier just to buy a cake.
And that’s what I was thinking
Walking on the grounds
At a flea market trying to be Goa.
And I was so afraid to look over my shoulder
I was so frightened to stare ahead.
What if I saw him?
It seemed the sort of place where I would.
And I thought of fires burning and murder.
Would it have been better to have simply gone?
I could have taken the mike and sworn in church.
I could have avenged myself at the altar.
I could have cried rivers and broken a dam again.
Instead all I did was go out for dinner with family
And have a panic attack.
Was it worth it?
Is anything worth anything at all?
Feathers for a hundred bucks
That’s what they sold it for.
I was sold out for less than that.
A sari? What is that?
I carried that wooden gift
and felt the weight in my arms.
And worried about murder
And felt the pain return ten-fold.
Fingers numb but aching.
I moved it into my bag and
The shoulders began hurting,
And all the time I was laughing,
No one would have guessed.
Oh such an actress I am!
But I was scared
Of what I would do if I ran into him.
I know I will never forgive
I thought I had forgotten.
And nothing happened.
I breathed like he’d asked me to
When he left me at the airport.
Oh fuck it, I’ll colour my hair
If anyone can carry a passionate red,
Then it’s me.
And I will walk in heels
And I will fly to Germany
And the breeze will tease my hair
And their hugs and love will warm me.
And I will not even remember.
And neither will I forget.
And just then I thought I saw you.
But it was only someone like you.