There is an entire universe that one simply cannot be a part of unless one is a half-wit or a sub-intellect. We are breeding half-wits by the dozen and grooming them into becoming sub-intellects thanks to our education system, the cultural heritage of India, the society we take great pride in belonging to. Since life is all about belonging and being one with all the creatures in the universe; we must learn how to be one or both.
There is a slight difference between being a half-wit and being a sub-intellect. Subs, simply, are those who have left their brains behind. Were they to bring them out of the closet, we’d probably figure they were really halves. So like that.
Now here is how you can be a half-wit and/or a sub-intellect.
- When you first meet a person, you must make disparaging comments about their appearance or clothing or sense of dressing. Even if you only see their photograph. Even if you only see them appear briefly on TV. Even if they are in no way connected to your life. For instance, when your school friend puts up a picture of his/her office on Facebook, then your comment will read, ‘LMFAO at bald guy. Fatsso must b drunkin ll d day. kaam kaise karta hai, sala. ROTFLMFAO.’ This is especially true when you feel threatened by something they are/they possess.
- You are easily threatened by anything that is different. Till Lady Gaga became famous and started earning millions, you were threatened by her so you called her all sorts of names. Now you love her because hello, she makes millions. You don’t understand what she does, or sings, but you love her because nearly everyone loves her now. Also because Simi Garewal interviewed her in that very memorable interview where you understood everything.
- Your worldview must revolve around who makes how much. All your friendships and relationships should revolve around what the others are bringing to the table so you can then go ahead and make disparaging comments about those that bring less, by your standards. When it’s not a friendship/relationship, it doesn’t matter to you that those who make a lot probably have a lot because they don’t share. That’s fine. You only like to be seen with them so some of the gold dust rubs off on you.
- You must queue up to take pictures with celebrities, half-wit celebrities, sub-stars, and the like, even if you have never heard/seen them before in life. You chase fame because you can then drop names in parties and other social gatherings.
- You must go to parties and meet people so you can show them all who is bigger, brighter, and better. You need to constantly reassure yourself that you are bigger, brighter, better than all the other people you know. Preferably within earshot of others.
- You must worship mediocrity and you consider sub-standard stuff to be value for money. Ergo, you love saying things like, ‘I hate to read books. I only read Chetan Bhagat because he is such a classic. What a brilliant writer! Lietrary [sic] gem!!!’ or ‘I shop in Bangkok. Really, such great discounts there, you know. Or Singapore, you know. So colourful those malls are. I got a Gucci, really a Gucci, for 10 Baht. No really. See? It says Gucci on the bag. See? Everywhere on the bag, it says Gucci.’
- You must think/read/write in every other language except English but insist on speaking only in English even when your audience doesn’t understand English. Unless you are speaking Hindi. Then you must speak Hindi with everyone, even when they don’t know/want to talk in Hindi. If you are a Malayalee meeting another Malayalee, then you will speak in Hindi. It’s way cooler, allè?
- You must think nothing of using ‘its’ instead of ‘it’s’; ‘v’ for ‘we’. In fact, you think misspelling words makes you cooler and simply charming. You believe it is not an exclamation unless it is used multiple times!!!!!
- You must also love to speak in fake accents, usually American, to show how BPO/MNC friendly you are. You must simply not care that you lose the accent every third word and the Hyderabadi/UP/Bihari/Bombay/Tamil/Kannadiga accent shines through. If someone points that out, then you puff up your chest with injured pride and say, ‘Bt I m a Indian vonly, no? If I d’t respect my gr8 Indian kulture and heriteige [sic], ho’lll I say?!!!’
- You must have the great, natural genius of identifying one’s sexual orientation or fuck-availability just by looking at them or seeing three of their Facebook profile pictures.
‘I am so scoring that chick, dude, she’s easy.’
‘Really? How do you know, you lucky biatch?’
‘Dude, she’s smoking a cigarette in one of her profile pictures, man. You know what that means.’
‘He’s gay, ya.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Please, I can tell, OK? Look at what he is wearing in this.’
- You must show great sympathy towards the suffering of others. You go a step ahead and motivate them to get out of it soon.
‘I am running a little late. I should be there at 5 pm.’
‘Hmmm… little late? What time is your appointment?’
‘4.45 pm. Sorry, there is just too much traffic. I should be there by 4.50 pm or so, but I want to be safe and say 5.00 pm.’
‘Hmmmm… 4.50 is also too late. 5.00 pm is myGod. That is just too too late. O.K. I’ll tell you what, come off by 4.45 pm. I will handle it till then. Don’t worry. Come soon, okay?’
‘I… yes, sure. See you at 4.45 pm.’
- You must think nothing about littering, spitting, peeing, even wanking in public places. After all, that vonly is India. So it must be encouraged. Toilet too far in the railway station? That’s okay. My beta will pee on the tracks. ‘Susu karo, beta, sussu karo. Design banao, sussu say. Good beta.’
- You must object to smokers. Particularly a woman who smokes. It’s terrible if she also drinks. You don’t object to the activity because you worry about her health. No. You object because it is a moral issue. You know all about morality.
- You must like talking about the environment, the poor, the down-trodden and bore people silly with your concern for the less fortunate and your high value system. But you think nothing about being rude to your security man, or your maid. ‘Only then, they will learn, you know, these people.’
‘I went to Hosur and blew up 20,000 INR, yes, 20,000 INR on crackers, dude! Diwali, dude, we will make noise.’ But on Facebook your status update will read, ‘Wishin all a safe, quite [sic], happi [sic] Diwali.’
- You will die, simply die, if you cannot conform with the majority. Or if someone accuses you of having class.
- You must love, love, love forwards. The sappier the better. If you can spot more than 10 grammatical/spelling errors in the first line, you must share it with everyone because only then it’s worth reading. If it accompanies a syrupy sweet picture of a cherub (baby angel), or some woman crying, or couples in love creating hearts with their hugs or lips or umbrellas or what-have-you; or dogs, or kittens, or cows, then it will be shared again and again across all social networks. Likewise, you can only appreciate poetry that rhymes like this: You are my sun, With you is so much fun…
- You must think that when a woman says no, she means yes, but Indian culture, no? She was only being shy. If a woman got raped or abused, then she had it coming. You must have 10,000 such jokes at your disposal that you never fail to narrate.
- You must also have jokes for when someone has died. Or you can make them up on the spot. Like this gem here, ‘Steve Jobs died because iPhone 4 was so bad.’
- You must think that using your own grey cells for anything is an absolutely futile exercise. If you are a student on the eve of an exam, it’s so much more easier to pick up the phone and call your teacher up and say in a hysterical voice, ‘Ma’aaam, I just saw the meaning of this word (Insert word here) in the dictionary. Is it correct, Ma’aaam?’
‘You say you saw it in the dictionary?’
‘So here’s the thing, the dictionary is always correct. You can trust it.’
‘Thank you, Ma’aaam.’
- You will never understand words like ideals or convictions. When someone talks about an ideal, you will dismiss them saying that they are ranting or that they are not sexually satisfied. Teeheeehee. You will never also praise true genius or somebody’s genuinely good work. But you will congratulate and re-congratulate work that only met standards. That too barely.
‘I’ve been successfully completed the project Wars. The customer was so happy. He shook hands with everyone and rated us 2 on 5 where 5 is the highest!!!! Cheers, teams. We dud very well in Texas this time.’
2 on 5???!!!!!!!!! Where is the treat? 🙂 😀 😉
And that is how you follow the creed of subs and halves.