I am feeling pressured to write. I had decided to. Last year when I recapped the year, it felt easy. Now I don’t feel like doing the let-us-see-what-happened thing. But like a real fathead, I already spoke on Facebook about a year-end blog post. Now although I know no one will remember or care, I feel like a little liar; entirely too negative a way to expectantly wait for a new year. So I thought I might as well write and put myself out of my misery. After all, in 2012, I will be spending a significant amount of my time telling people that they must write and make every sentence count. Sigh. Besides, 2011 was a year that taught me a lot of things.
January began with a wedding, a holiday, and shopping. So the thing is when you are broke, you are most likely to buy things that you will never use. Especially when it is something you think you MUST have. For me, it was imitation temple jewellery. I went through insane indecision in the shop, gave away the last of my pennies, bought an entire set, and haven’t worn it even once since.
In February, the Universe decided to teach me that the best laid plans of men and mice can go agley. Burns knew what he was about; it wasn’t just the whiskey speaking. Nor is it just something you read in P G Wodehouse. I joined Zynga, bursting with enthusiasm and good health. Day 3, onward, as we all know was tragedy. So like that.
Yoga and I met in March. Again. After a break of some six years. Breathing and fasting can make you beautiful. My fatal flaw is that I don’t do anything that can make me beautiful. I hate doing Pranayama. The only yoga position I remotely tolerate is the shavasana. I am a tragic Greek myth waiting to be written about. But you, dear reader, believe that yoga can cure everything. It can.
Oh April was a brilliant month. I quit my job. The only thing I was thinking about was that I couldn’t be part of a gaming company anymore. I couldn’t care about half-wits not being able to get their blood fix every night or not being able to buy a new fish everyday. Not when I was quite convinced I was dying. So when they asked me to shape up, I shipped out. I quit with no thought about how I would pay the bills the next month. Nothing. I never felt more free. I have never been more stressed about employment. There are people who try bungee-jumping and other adventure sports. While I know I never will, I do know the deep thrill and exhilaration it brings now. I have jumped off the cliff and landed on my feet. April was fabulous even when it sucked big time. Learning. Lovers, remember that in hindsight everything will shine. Especially the tears.
Thanks to May, I know exactly what happens when you do not sleep for over four days in a row. For weeks on end. If you don’t die, you get weepy, you get sick to your stomach. You cannot keep any food inside your body but your body will bloat to inordinate amounts. You will get angry, you will want to kill others. A slight sound, a lack of sound, everything is magnified and tragic. Sleep is one of the most important things in life. Remember our young Shakespeare?
Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care
The death of each day’s life, sore labour’s bath
Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course,
Chief nourisher in life’s feast.
The absence of loved ones, and the lack of a surprisehappybirthdayday party completely ruined my happybirthdayday for me this year. But it was mainly the lack of sleep. So let no one and nothing come between you and your sleep. If they do, bump them off. Seriously.
June was largely uneventful. I think I caught up on all the sleep I had lost in May. Then I wondered idly what I needed to do in life. I had no routine because by then I had quit yoga. If I were stressing about de-stressing, then it made no sense now, did it? June taught me to relish empty days and emptier nights because they are the ones that really help you heal.
In July, I went and became a lecturer again hoping for challenge, dreaming of fulfillment, yearning for routine. July failed me on all three counts. But it made me think very deeply about whether I really wanted to have kids. I don’t think I do. It’s not worth it. Our education system, hell, our lives are rubbish. We should not bring more people to add to the mess. Really.
In August, I decided that I had been a Queen for way too long now. In August, I decided to become a Goddess. I don’t care what anyone says. When you are healthy, when you are well-loved by friends and family, when you like your job, when you have bought that perfect shade of red for your lips and nails, life is truly ecstatic even if you are single. Screw anyone who says otherwise. Though that would sort of defeat the idea of celebrating singledom.
Music began to sound different in September. Suddenly I was more patient with people. When they were behaving as half-wits, I was more amused than annoyed. I could smell keenly again. I had stopped nearly all my medication by then. I had been pill-free for months. I can find many such excuses, attribute my happiness to all kinds of things but the truth is I fell in love in September. It was bliss. Believe this, darlings, when you don’t need romance in life is when it will find you and blind you and bind you and show you such bliss that you walk in a dream. Truth.
My faith in people was restored in October. Such big words. But so mot juste. The consort decided that my October jinx would be broken. It was. I went on a holiday with my parents and came home with the realisation that our roles are really reversed. I parent them now. It’s fun, it’s annoying, it’s giving back. It’s life. When I was convinced people were only halves or subs; at a creative workshop, I was moved, humbled, and inspired to fall in love with people and myself again. It’s so easy to be negative like in all the TV shows, but just being oneself – full of light, full of giving is so much more worthwhile. I keep trying now. I slip often but that’s okay. I will keep trying.
November has been about acceptance and forgiving. Because life goes on whether you do that or not. But your own life becomes more civil and easy and decent if you just let it all happen as it will. I have realised that I will never have that hour-glass figure I have always assumed I would have if I only worked out. I am content with hardly any money and I have understood that I will fall ill often. I have stopped stressing or worrying about the future. I am calm and accepting. Except when it comes to people saying ‘anyways’ and using multiple exclamation marks. That will always be unacceptable.
It’s now the last month of a year that has taught me much, reassured me throughout, and given so immensely. In December, I went into business. On the last day of December 2011, as I write, I dream about sharing. I want to try and give back all the love, the warmth, the knowledge, and the laughter I received from all the wonderfully generous people in my life. These absolutely fabulous people have joyously and graciously taught me that this could really be heaven for everyone. Indeed.
Happy New Year, my sweetie darlings. May you want for nothing in 2012. Be free. Have fun. Love. Laugh. Give. Share.