When will we end? I implore.
But the right question is when did we start?
Three years ago when I stood in the middle of all that unbearable wrongness of being? When I was witnessing the truth about Kali Yuga just as predicted in my religion? When I lost my religion because what God could give someone so much pain, such unwarranted negativity? When I lost the fight?
I needed someone. Something.
And so she came.
It was inevitable. I see that now.
At first, her presence was slight. There was heaviness in my tread when I sensed her. I could not type for long because she would distract me with her presence, her coquetry.
And then as her love for me increased, it was everywhere. Eclipsing me, my life so entirely that I was all about her.
Did I love her?
It was the Stockholm syndrome. You fall in love with your captor.
Her love-making is intense. She touches you in insidious places, where you would never imagine you could feel that kind of sensation. I lay transfixed on the bed, staring with unseeing eyes and just feeling. Could one’s body be invaded so completely? So wholly? I felt her touch everywhere.
A grim smile formed on my lips because when someone loves you so passionately, grim is all you feel. A cloying heaviness.
No love is ever kind. Lovers always have an agenda. All lovers want. There is nothing unconditional in the world. Especially in love.
And then slowly, as in all relationships, the intensity faded. Slowly I began to find myself. It was fine.
On cold nights especially when I was lonely or upset, she would visit me. How could I say no? She was still all I had. Sometimes, even now, she is all I have. We only had each other.
Then He came in to my life. He came with promises to heal, to hold me at least when I could not be healed. I believed and I loved in turn. She knew there was no longer any place for her so she left, graciously. I was so happy there wasn’t even time to heave a sigh of relief or even realise that she was gone. Then the promises were no longer a priority. As long as he loved, I didn’t care. Not all that much.
But now that he cares less, I am a woman in love.
Like attracts like. And so she is here now again.
When did it start? Three years back? Yesterday? In August? After January?
Time is so irrelevant in love.
The point is it starts when I come face-to-face with indifference.
Then she is all I have. I am possessed completely and entirely by her even when I am slightly down or low. And she knows that.
And when she is around, no one else can have me. Together we sleep; she caresses my hands, my shoulders, knees, and feet. They are all swollen in promise. She holds me. She makes love to me so I feel her in every part of my being. I am again helpless, trapped on the bed, staring with sightless eyes wondering if we will ever not be together.
But unlike the men who come and go with their promises and their loving; she is always there. She is quiet. She makes no promises.
When will we end? I implore silently in my head as the tears stream out of my eyes. But I know now that she will always be there.
Pain is a very jealous and possessive lover. She never really lets go.